Are you drowning or treading water instead of staying afloat? Read it twice, thrice, four-ice? Whatevs. It's a good quote!
I have to selfishly admit that when I started to get a response from this blog, I kind of felt like I was drowning or treading water for a few days. The picture in my head was more like me in the middle of a large ocean with people all around me on rafts telling me they were here for me. I was so thankful. I just didn’t know who to go to.
If I could thank each person individually I would but I know whatever words I chose wouldn’t be able to express the gratitude and strength I got from each comment, like, and note. I got messages via Facebook and text that helped me connect with people one on one that I have lost contact with. I’m so eternally grateful for the love and response.
Please don’t get your feelings hurt that I didn’t respond right away. I appreciate you all SO VERY MUCH! I wanted to process the impact and reaction my blog received. I had no idea the overwhelming response of prayers and love I got via Facebook and Blogspot. I felt them I promise.
In four days I had 530 views! Now I’m close to 600 and it has only been two weeks. I know some people have read it multiple times, Lord knows I read it over and over, but I feel confident that I was able to connect with people in amounts that made me feel a bit anxious because I really didn’t hold back. The best, coolest part was that I feel even more so, I’m not alone.
My circle grew by the hundreds. Closer are those who are struggling, have struggled, or are starting their journey to parenthood. Some I had no idea about, some I knew about and just really prayed that I would be able to connect with them. While I want to be strong and honest, I still feel the need to have people to talk to who truly understand the pain and frustration. Just to turn to in those days where I want to just be like “You know what?? This freaking sucks!” and they get it. Those of you hurting, please know you are on my mind, daily. I pray strength. I pray that God brings us together. Some people are still in those stages of grief where seeing or hearing joy from others is like a dagger in their heart. I know that all too well and I think it’s a dangerous place to spend too much time in.
I pray for peace. I pray for peace. I pray for peace.
I’m so thankful to those of you who took a moment to write encouraging words. Some I would have never expected to hear from and those who I did….it is all the same. You made me smile. You made me stronger. You made me feel like the vulnerability that I shared was admirable. I felt proud of me. Lol! It’s kind of weird to type that, but it is how you made me feel. For that I am grateful.
Thank you , thank you, thank you!
The trying times of trying:
A little over a week ago, Matt and I went in for another type of test. This would be the last step in trying to figure out the simple reasons I am not getting pregnant. We went in for our results and were greeted with more good news and congratulations from our doctor. We are super healthy. Everything is …. strong and present. I left feeling so happy and hopeful, but I know I have to keep those feelings of joy in check in order to protect myself if this month I’m not pregnant.
So basically I’m waiting on the storm to come. It won’t be a bad storm though because I’m ready. I’ll stay afloat, because I’ve got you. I’ve got my friends, my family, and I’ve got God. This next month I’ll start taking a different fertility/breast cancer med called Femara. I’ll have more frequent ultrasounds that will hopefully provide helpful information for my doctor to diagnose what the situation is. Part of me wants a diagnosis just so I can be like, “Oh okay that’s what is going on. Now how do we fix it?” Another part of me is okay without a diagnosis because I think it keeps me looking forward and coming to terms with this being in God’s hands. I get my own peace from that thought.
The doctor I’m seeing is amazing. His name is Dr. Reshef and he is very popular in our area. I really wish he delivered babies but he devotes his life to getting women pregnant.
I turned 29 last week and I always have said I’d like to have a baby by 30. So with fingers crossed, hands clasped, and head bowed I pray that God can and God will.
BUT even if he doesn’t……I STILL BELIEVE!!!!
And, my friends, so should you!